Ever so often as we navigate this journey called life, we find ourselves at a place and point where we are caught up in labels, definitions and the related expectations around these. We get wildly mangled with these various aspects, using them to impose so much upon ourselves. We further succumb to the expectations of others in relation to what they perceive and believe about us too.
These various aspects and expectations are ingrained into us, so much so that we tend to not even recognize when we are functioning from autopilot. Controlled and manipulated through old conditioned ways of being.
So for example, those of us who have been the “helpers” on this planet over the course of time are simply by default driven to help. It’s part of our make-up. To step forward, jump up, give out and stand to attention at a moments notice. This is what we have always done, and it’s what we now believe we need to continue to be doing. It’s a label and a badge of honour we carry, and one we wear with pride. Helping simply because we are helpers.
We also then have those others, those who, knowing all of this about us, expect us to ask “how high?” when they desire for us to jump. So it’s a programme that works both ways, with each party playing out both roles in this scenario – the victim and the perpetrator. We continue to perpetuate, in the role of perpetrator, our old patterns, and become a self-created victim of our behavior; and the other party continues to perpetrate levels of manipulation and play the victim card – the one that needs help. So it’s a cycle that plays out over and over again.
I personally have experienced that the helper within me was always wanting to give, give and give even more. I’ve always been that way. Believing that this was what I was born to be doing, after all. Taking care of others. Helping. Giving. Sharing. It was the purpose I established for myself. What use are your gifts and your kindness if you do not share and give freely to others? If you do not help another in need then what good are you? And with that, I would give, and overcompensate in my giving too. Giving more than was required. I recall at a point doing some work with a mentor and her asking me how far from my body my energy field was. I stretched my arms wide open and said “this much!”. She smiled and said, “Pull it in. It needs to be close to you. Keep your energy close to you”. At the time I had not recognized that giving our energy away so freely and openly is actually an energy bleed. It’s truly a free-for-all. I know better now. I understand the mechanisms around that now, I see the more subtle aspects and the finer points around it, and I see how part of my conditioning was also incredibly misguided. A part of me wanted so much to help, and yet felt that perhaps I wasn’t worthy of the regard offered to me, that I did not deserve it, and therefore I felt that giving back more than necessary was the way that I needed to operate, and the platform I needed to function from.
Others often appreciated the over giving from my side, they welcomed it, but also knew how to manipulate it to their full advantage. Many still do…..and many try to get me to give more – but I no longer budge. It’s an area that I havee found can be gray. Where are our boundaries? Where do we draw lines? I have found that this space needs to be navigated with clarity and awareness. Knowing when to give wholeheartedly and from an open, boundless space of Being, and when to preserve one’s energy, curb it and hold back sensibly.
As a “helper”, we need to establish our boundaries. This is critical. We need to know where to help, and when; and when to self preserve. We need to be able to read people very, very well, and feel into compassionate Beingness. And we also need to know when we are being played. Just because one is compassionate by nature and the other in need of assistance does not necessarily mean that we are the right fit for each other either. Often we just need to step back and step away from the situation, giving ourselves time to witness what is playing out and let others walk their own path, without feeling a need to actively contribute to their journey or buffer things for them. We don’t need to be saving the world.